No contact: how to break your addiction to your ex

Just a few months ago, I would’ve done anything to have my ex back. I would spend countless hours obsessing over what went wrong and what I could do to fix it. I found every excuse to speak to him, reaching out again and again only to be left each time feeling even more hurt, rejected, disgraced and humiliated than I did before.

And if you told me then that, one day in the future, I’d be refusing to let the person that I was so desperately longing for back into my life, I wouldn’t have believed you. But I did it.

By the time my ex showed up and told me everything that I had wanted to hear for so long, I was strong enough to walk away instead of settling for less than I deserve. So I said goodbye to him again - but this time, it was on my terms.

And I would never have got to this place if it wasn't for no contact. It gave me the time and space to focus only on myself, and in doing so, I was finally able to let go of a relationship that wasn't good for my soul.

So for anyone struggling to initiate or maintain no contact, I want you to see that, although it’s one of the hardest and most terrifying things that you’ll ever have to do, it’s also the best thing that you can do.

Before, I would've preferred to chop off a limb than to cut contact with the person I thought I'd spend my life with. The idea of never speaking to him again seemed so impossible. But not only was it possible, it was the one thing that guaranteed my future peace and happiness.

Because in making the choice to go no contact, you are making the choice to surrender, and ultimately, to heal. 

Every single aspect of my life has improved since going no contact. I’m finally figuring out who I am and what I want out of life. I'm starting to see that life is about so much more than a relationship. I'm learning how to be happy on my own, how to rely on myself and how to give myself what I need. I have new friends, new hobbies, a new job and exciting new plans for the future. And the best part is, I’ve done it all on my own. You can too. So, I want to share with you what I have learnt on my five-month journey of no contact.

It's like breaking an addiction. At first, you will feel like you're going to die if you don't get your fix. And every time you speak to your ex, you get a hit of the dopamine that you're so badly craving. But at what cost? Is the short-term relief that you get from speaking to them really worth the long-term suffering? Because at the end of the conversation, you will have to say goodbye. And if you don’t say it first, they will.

By remaining in contact, not only are you refusing to admit to yourself that it’s over, you’re torturing yourself and prolonging the inevitable. 

While I was still in contact with my ex, I lived in a perpetual state of anxiety. I checked my phone obsessively, wondering when he would contact me or if he ever would. The minutes/hours/days spent waiting for his replies were unbearable. And hearing what he was doing without me, how he was always too busy to speak to me, and how he seemed to be fine while I was falling apart only made me feel worse. In the end, it just wasn’t worth the pain.

Your ex will not forget about you. By disappearing from their life, you are speaking with your actions. You are showing them what it’s really like to live without you. And chances are, their ego won’t be able to stand being ignored. The best revenge is to pick yourself up, live your best life and stop looking back. Be the one that got away. It might not seem like it now, but you will be the one that ends up better off. But remember - you are doing no contact for yourself and not to punish your ex.

It doesn't matter what your ex thinks. When someone chooses to walk away from you, they no longer get the privilege of being a part of your life. It’s not fair of your ex to keep you around for when it suits them. You are not there to satisfy their needs, to make them feel better about themselves or to absolve them of their guilt. So don’t be afraid to put yourself first. After all, it only really matters what you think of yourself.

Choose to walk away. Your ex might have walked away from your relationship, but that doesn't mean that you don't have to as well. As long as you're still holding on, you're going to stay stuck in the past. You might not be able to control what happens to you, but you are in control of your own happiness. You're the one who gets to decide when you want to start moving on. So stop making excuses and set yourself free.

If your ex wanted to contact you, they would. When I first initiated no contact, I was worried about what would happen if my ex tried to reach out. Then I realised - if he really wanted to contact me, he could have found a way. He knows where I live and where I work. He has ways of getting in touch with my friends and family. He never even tried. So remember, the fact that they haven’t says all you need to know. Accept that they're not coming back and use it as fuel to move forwards.

Love yourself, and everything else will follow. As painful as it is, your ex has made their decision and there is nothing that you can do or say to change that. So stop waiting around for a call that might never come. Stop wishing for them to come back. Stop worrying about what they’re doing or thinking or feeling. Instead of looking for validation from someone who has proved that they are not worthy of your love, turn that focus inwards and take the opportunity to work on the single most important relationship in your life - the one with yourself. Because nobody is capable of loving us more than we love ourselves.

You broke up for a reason. Missing someone doesn't mean that you're meant to be together or that they're right for you. It simply means that you are human. Getting back together would be a short-term fix. And as long as we believe that we’re not enough, we’re only going to attract people who cannot see our worth. It took me a long time to realise it, but the fact that my ex left me is a good enough reason for me not to take him back.

Any form of communication is damaging. It’s funny how even the simplest, most unemotional conversation can break your heart all over again. In fact, it’s often the friendly conversations that are the most painful. You might think that because things ended on good terms there's no reason for you to 'ignore' your ex. But no matter how brief or amicable the conversation, the wounds will stay open so long as you’re still in touch.

You won't feel like this forever. It takes time, patience and hard work, but with each day that passes, you will be getting stronger. And if you keep it up, not only will you be happy again, but you’ll be happier than you ever were before. When you get to that place, you won’t want to do anything that risks ruining your progress. You’ll reach a point where you won’t even need to think twice about not contacting your ex. It’s all about momentum.

So what can you do when the withdrawal kicks in and you find yourself agonising over whether or not to give in to the all-consuming desire to contact your ex?

Block them. As long as you keep the channels of communication open, you’re setting yourself up for even more heartbreak. Because all it takes is one simple text from your ex and you're right back to square one. By blocking them, you're putting yourself back in control of your own healing.

Text a friend instead. Every time I felt like texting my ex, I would reach out to a friend instead. Not only does it help keep you accountable, it reminds you that you are not alone.

Ask yourself how it will make you feel. Before you contact your ex, play out the scenario in your head. How will you feel while you’re waiting for them to respond? How will you feel if they don’t respond at all? And most importantly, how will you feel when their response isn't what you want to hear?

Keep yourself busy. What you choose to focus your attention on becomes your reality. So distract yourself with other things, and the less you'll feel like contacting your ex. For me, this included things like getting out of the house, exercising, cleaning and cooking.

Track your progress. Keeping count of the days, whether it's via an app or simply writing it down, gives you an incentive to carry on. I found that celebrating each 30-day milestone by doing something nice for myself gave me something to look forward to and reminded me of how far I had come.

Write a letter. If there’s something that you want to get off your chest, write it down in a letter to your ex and sleep on it. And when you wake up, I guarantee that you’ll be glad that you didn’t send it.

Find yourself a go-between. Speaking to your ex about financial or logistical arrangements might seem innocent enough, but it will only set you back even more. So ask a friend or family member if they can sort it out for you. And if they can't, that toaster/hoodie/book/hairbrush/sofa that you left at your ex’s place? It can stay there. No physical possession is worth more than your peace of mind.

Sit with your feelings. If you find yourself missing your ex, let yourself miss them. Don't try to run or to hide from it. It might be uncomfortable, but by taking the time to process everything that's happened, you're allowing yourself to heal.

Never lose perspective. For every one thing you miss about your ex, think of one thing you DON'T miss about them. Because when you’re able to see things for what they really are, you’ll stop acting out of fear of being alone, fear of the future, or fear of not finding someone else as good.

And if you break no contact? Forgive yourself. We’ve all been there. So don't beat yourself up, pay attention to how it's made you feel, and use your experience as motivation to pick yourself up and carry on.

By going no contact, you are showing the universe that you are ready to put yourself first, take back control of your life and move forwards. 

And when you do, good things will start to happen. I promise.

Love and hugs x